How to Tell If You Like Them or Just Like Being Chosen

There's a version of 'falling for someone' that has very little to do with them. Here's how to tell which one you're in.

Picture the scene. You've been seeing someone for a few weeks. You think about them constantly. Your friends are hearing about them on a rotating basis. You've checked your phone eleven times in the last hour.

Now here's the question nobody thinks to ask: are you thinking about them, or are you thinking about whether they're thinking about you?

Because those are not the same thing. And the difference between them is the difference between actually liking someone and just really, really enjoying being liked.

The validation crush is one of the most convincing experiences in early dating. It mimics real feelings with impressive accuracy. The giddiness is real. The preoccupation is real. The way your day improves when they text back is absolutely, physiologically real.

What isn't necessarily real is any particular feeling about that specific human being, as opposed to the experience of being wanted by them.

This is not a character flaw. It's biology with slightly questionable judgement. Humans are wired to respond to being chosen. It activates the same reward circuits as genuine connection, which is why the two are so easy to confuse — especially early on, when you don't know the person well enough to have strong feelings about who they actually are.

The test that actually works

Forget the butterflies. Forget the constant thinking about them. Both of those show up in validation crushes too, and they'll mislead you every time.

Instead, ask yourself this: when they're not performing interest in you — when they're tired, or distracted, or just talking about something they care about — do you find them interesting?

Or do you find yourself slightly impatient for the conversation to return to the topic of you?

That's the tell. Real attraction survives the moments when the other person isn't actively making you feel good about yourself. Validation seeking does not.

Why it matters more than you think

The validation crush has a predictable arc. It feels intense at the start — genuinely, thrillingly intense — and then, once the person is securely interested, it flatlines. The pursuit was the point. The having is surprisingly anticlimactic.

At which point most people assume they chose the wrong person, end things, and find someone new to be uncertain about. Repeat indefinitely.

The people stuck in this loop aren't unlucky in love. They've just never learned to distinguish the feeling of being wanted from the feeling of actually wanting. Which means they keep optimising for the chase and then wondering why the landing is always disappointing.

What to do if you recognise yourself here

First, resist the urge to immediately end things. This isn't a diagnosis, it's a question worth sitting with. Some validation-heavy early dynamics settle into real feeling once the uncertainty resolves. Some don't.

The useful exercise is this: spend one conversation being genuinely curious about them rather than monitoring how you're coming across. Ask about something that has nothing to do with the relationship. Listen to the answer without formulating your response.

Notice what happens. If you're engaged — if their answer is actually interesting to you — that's something. If you're mostly just waiting for them to be curious about you again, that tells you something too.

You're allowed to want to be chosen. Everyone does. Just make sure the person doing the choosing is someone you'd actually choose back — on a Sunday, in a bad mood, with nothing to perform and nowhere to be.

If yes: carry on. If the question gives you pause: sit with the pause.